Respect & Relationship

Once upon a time, the great royal guru Drona was about to storm out after prince Duryodhana insulted him in front of the entire royal assembly. “A teacher who is not respected by the student, has no future there!” Without respect, there is no sustenance. If having differences leads to disrespect, slowly things will crumble, be it in an organisation or in a relationship. The dynamic of respect is worth understanding if we want to make our working and personal relationships deeper and have longevity. There are some principles which must be upheld for this to work.

 

 Hierarchy of Respect

Respect must be mutual. It is not possible for one person to respect the other for a prolonged period of time without feeling some level of resentment or anger, unless of course the person has mastered tolerance. If like most of us, they have a tolerance threshold, this will not last. If one was to be very calculating, one may think there are three possibilities with respect to respect. You may respect the other person more than they respect you. The other person may respect you more than you respect them. Or, you may have equal respect for each other. But in reality it isn't so simple is it? The balance changes, often by day. It is very important to understand that respect does not mean, you just believe that person is greater than you. There are many different levels of respect, almost like a hierarchy. At the most basic level, it means you acknowledge the person. Once I was in a situation where a person walked into a room and talked about another person in the room and referred to him as a third person “Is he coming?” Without acknowledging his name, in a rash tone, he referenced this person. So acknowledging a person, personally, is a basic level of respect. The next level is to appreciate the person’s good qualities. I appreciate Cristiano Ronaldo’s football abilities for example, therefore I have a certain level of respect for him that is beyond just recognizing his existence. Thirdly it means we adjust what we are doing for that person i.e. we will make time in our schedule for that person, or to do work they may want us to do. Fourthly, it means we are sensitive to that persons feelings – we don’t behave in a rash way unnecessarily out of our own mood swings carelessly. This shows deeper respect. When we think about our behaviour before acting, this can be deeper a sign of respect. We can recognize a person, value their greatness, and even adapt our lives to do what they want, but we may not be sensitive to their feelings at a deep level. For most of us, this is our relationship with our bosses at work. We do what they say, we certainly recognize they are our boss, but, we may not really care how they feel. With our partners at home, or our parents for example, the last principle is also likely to hold. This is because it becomes more personal. Respect means personal. Lack of complete respect means impersonal.  

Lamborghini Mentality

I walked into the reception of the building in my exercise gear, some of which quite frankly isn’t so new! I wanted to pay for my monthly rent. I approach the lady and said “Good morning”. She replied with, “Can I see your card please?” I hustled into my pocket and showed her my access card. “Good Morning Sir, please take a seat, how may I help you?” Suddenly I’d become Sir! Was it the first time? Absolutely not. Many times air stewards have addressed me and then realised I had a higher tier seat and then changed their way of interaction completely on its head. The former Chief Executive of IBM was once not allowed into his own building as he forgot his pass until he proved who he was. One friend said to me recently, “Why do we have to do something so impressive in order to be respected?” It made me think of what warrants respect in our world. A chicken in the hand is worth two in the bush as the old saying goes. What we have immediately is worth more than what we can ‘potentially’ have. So many people I know missed out on dormant potential. On the other hand so many people I know went on to exceed what one may imagine was their potential in life. When it comes to respect, what is respected, and what is respectable? Once again, there is a hierarchy. If I turn up at Niagra Falls and expect to be respected because I think I own it, I would be laughed at if anyone found out this is what I was thinking. I recall in London on a Saturday night, people would drive Lamborghini’s near Leicester Square and almost everybody could hear the engine, and would look to see who owns it. It commands a certain level of respect. However, we are not the car. It is almost a statement to say “I am as cool as my car”. But you aren’t the car. My point not being, don’t have a desire to have a Lamborghini, but that our belongings are not us, nor can they ever be part of us. Our body however, is more closely linked with us. We see many people showboating their bodies. It is the same tendency as the Lamborghini mentality. Look at me. After a certain amount of experience in life, a careful thinker will move up this hierarchy. Indeed many people who spend their life trying to own things and extend belongings, end up realising they should take care of their closest belonging; their body! One friend who is also from London who moved to China many years back and was a Karate practitioner who went all over the world to fight, explained how he now does yoga. After mastering the body, it’s flexibility, focus, and literally holding very tough positions for hours in the mornings, he explained to me that he realised that it’s also not about the body. That we are beyond the body. At this stage we can be at peace, we understand we cannot own things, we understand we are also not the body. We understand that our constitutional position is something different to meeting needs and commanding respect. This is where real dynamism and freedom kick in. It is where we can genuinely offer respect to others for things beyond what they supposedly own. The more we see the things around us all day in this context, the more we will be able to have an untainted view of the world.

“Full knowledge means that the jīva-ātmā, the living entity, must know both his position and the Supreme's position. That is full knowledge.” Srila Prabhupada, Srimad Bhagawatam 4.20.7 purport

 

&